Been Away for Awhile….

So, thought I would check in for a moment….been going through some things and wasn’t sure this was the forum for my thoughts.  I know all those cliche’s life goes on and all….it’s just tough sometimes but I know everyone is aware of that so no late breaking story on that front.  Sitting at work right now and needed to just pass along a song that hit home for today.

Hope to get to the beach soon, or up for air, or just to feel normal again.  Not sure how right now to get to that point but I do know that I am strong and I am capable and I will MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!

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Cuddle CupCakes

A person who loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes, while everyone else believes the smile on your face….

Tomorrow will be a rainy day…making me blue….wishing there was something more…that I could do….

My hands are tied….I feel the system lied….to much time to bide…and then I cried!

Somebody needs a hug….

Sad, sad day

For reasons unknown to almost everyone in my life today (the last hour) has been one of the most depressing and sad days I have ever experienced.  I sit still and wonder about the timing of the world and how things transpire and I truly know that God would not put more on me than I could handle and he has proven this to me time and time again.  The information I just received moments ago breaks my heart and I sit here in tears unable to fathom the feelings and emotions of the person who just called.  I am not a person who cries, literally I cry so rarely it is probably unhealthy but I can hardly see my screen right now as I type.  I know that there is a bigger plan and I am only a pawn in this plan but that is a harsh reality for me at this moment.  I want to change the plan, I want to go back in time, I want to fix the things that have happened to get to this point.  Unfortunately I also want to punish those who are unreasonable, and unforgiving so that I can make them understand what their actions are doing to others.  I want to trade places with the person who is hurting right now, I want to make it better and I am unable.  I must only believe that just as God wouldn’t put more on me he would not give this other person more than they could handle either.

I am afraid I will now withdraw even more than before, and shut all my emotions inside.  I do not like the pain, or the fear I feel for this person, and unfortunately there is more to come that will make this the nightmare I am anticipating.  I want to wake up and learn this has all just been a dream but I know I can’t…..

“Darkest Secret”

Someone that I love that has always held a special place in my heart since they were born wrote the following poem less than a month ago ( I just read very recently).  That special, talented, person will always be near and dear to me and own a piece of my heart all to themselves.  Well we had a “chat” today.  It breaks my heart to know that this person has suffered so much and is still in pain but it is with great hope that I feel they are now uncovering their inner strength.  I reminded them that they have not wasted time, and the things done in the past are indeed what make them the person they are today.  Again continuing to reaffirm that the challenges we are faced with and the manner in which we pull through each hurdle in life is indeed what makes you the strong person you have become and are continuing to grow into.    I must admit that the first time I read this after a full year of not shedding any tears I could not hold them back.  Knowing this person the way I do, I am confident they are strong enough to make the right decision to move beyond this stage in life onto bigger and better things.  Using the hurdles as launching pads to hurl them forward into the next chapter.  I asked permission to share this and they were more than proud to open up and allow it to be posted here.  I hope this touches you in a way that is moving and has a positive impact in your life.

If you’ve never had a relationship you hate,
Well then, how could you ever relate?
You look at me and turn away,
You’ve judged me each and every day,
I hope you never know this pain,
That’s what I think each time I pray.

This demon that consumes my soul,
This weakness you will never know.
This box I’ve locked my body in,
Controls me, brings out all my sins,
There was a time when I was free,
Half a decade is how long it’s been.

That fateful night I took that taste,
That first good buzz is all I’ve chased.
I watched and saw my whole world melt,
No more worries, no pain felt,
For my problems you were a cure,
I didn’t see when my cards were dealt.

In your grasp there was no escape,
I’d handed you the keys of my life to shape.
All of my thoughts were consumed by you,
To get it there’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
I’d lie and steal, break all the rules,
I never realized how dependent I grew.

I couldn’t see then, just where this road led,
Not until that first prick, that first time I bled.
The pills were too costly, I couldn’t afford,
Without them the pain was too great to endure,
When somebody offered I should’ve said no,
My own moral boundaries, completely ignored.

So now as I sit here writhing in pain,
Searching and searching for just one more vein,
I stop and I think of that very first night,
If only I’d done what I’d known was right,
I wouldn’t be helplessly, hopelessly trapped,
Stuck in this hole with no exit in sight.

I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my life,
So many years with nothing but strife.
I can’t even imagine how life could be,
I’m so far gone, it’s too hard to see,
This demon consumes me, trapped in its grasp,
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do just to be free.

I made that first choice to get that first buzz,
It will keep me confined, cuz that’s what it does.
I laid down that needle two weeks ago,
It’s time for me to start taking life slow,
If I go back, I know I’ll be dead,
One foot in the grave was too close to go.

If you’ve never had that relationship you hate,
Well then, how could you ever relate?

The author followed the poem with this comment and illustration, ” No one who knows me would ever suspect, and none of you know me.  A secret this heavy is too hard to bear alone.”

One Foot in the Grave by JackkyQ