For reasons unknown to almost everyone in my life today (the last hour) has been one of the most depressing and sad days I have ever experienced. I sit still and wonder about the timing of the world and how things transpire and I truly know that God would not put more on me than I could handle and he has proven this to me time and time again. The information I just received moments ago breaks my heart and I sit here in tears unable to fathom the feelings and emotions of the person who just called. I am not a person who cries, literally I cry so rarely it is probably unhealthy but I can hardly see my screen right now as I type. I know that there is a bigger plan and I am only a pawn in this plan but that is a harsh reality for me at this moment. I want to change the plan, I want to go back in time, I want to fix the things that have happened to get to this point. Unfortunately I also want to punish those who are unreasonable, and unforgiving so that I can make them understand what their actions are doing to others. I want to trade places with the person who is hurting right now, I want to make it better and I am unable. I must only believe that just as God wouldn’t put more on me he would not give this other person more than they could handle either.
I am afraid I will now withdraw even more than before, and shut all my emotions inside. I do not like the pain, or the fear I feel for this person, and unfortunately there is more to come that will make this the nightmare I am anticipating. I want to wake up and learn this has all just been a dream but I know I can’t…..