“Darkest Secret”

Someone that I love that has always held a special place in my heart since they were born wrote the following poem less than a month ago ( I just read very recently).  That special, talented, person will always be near and dear to me and own a piece of my heart all to themselves.  Well we had a “chat” today.  It breaks my heart to know that this person has suffered so much and is still in pain but it is with great hope that I feel they are now uncovering their inner strength.  I reminded them that they have not wasted time, and the things done in the past are indeed what make them the person they are today.  Again continuing to reaffirm that the challenges we are faced with and the manner in which we pull through each hurdle in life is indeed what makes you the strong person you have become and are continuing to grow into.    I must admit that the first time I read this after a full year of not shedding any tears I could not hold them back.  Knowing this person the way I do, I am confident they are strong enough to make the right decision to move beyond this stage in life onto bigger and better things.  Using the hurdles as launching pads to hurl them forward into the next chapter.  I asked permission to share this and they were more than proud to open up and allow it to be posted here.  I hope this touches you in a way that is moving and has a positive impact in your life.

If you’ve never had a relationship you hate,
Well then, how could you ever relate?
You look at me and turn away,
You’ve judged me each and every day,
I hope you never know this pain,
That’s what I think each time I pray.

This demon that consumes my soul,
This weakness you will never know.
This box I’ve locked my body in,
Controls me, brings out all my sins,
There was a time when I was free,
Half a decade is how long it’s been.

That fateful night I took that taste,
That first good buzz is all I’ve chased.
I watched and saw my whole world melt,
No more worries, no pain felt,
For my problems you were a cure,
I didn’t see when my cards were dealt.

In your grasp there was no escape,
I’d handed you the keys of my life to shape.
All of my thoughts were consumed by you,
To get it there’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
I’d lie and steal, break all the rules,
I never realized how dependent I grew.

I couldn’t see then, just where this road led,
Not until that first prick, that first time I bled.
The pills were too costly, I couldn’t afford,
Without them the pain was too great to endure,
When somebody offered I should’ve said no,
My own moral boundaries, completely ignored.

So now as I sit here writhing in pain,
Searching and searching for just one more vein,
I stop and I think of that very first night,
If only I’d done what I’d known was right,
I wouldn’t be helplessly, hopelessly trapped,
Stuck in this hole with no exit in sight.

I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my life,
So many years with nothing but strife.
I can’t even imagine how life could be,
I’m so far gone, it’s too hard to see,
This demon consumes me, trapped in its grasp,
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do just to be free.

I made that first choice to get that first buzz,
It will keep me confined, cuz that’s what it does.
I laid down that needle two weeks ago,
It’s time for me to start taking life slow,
If I go back, I know I’ll be dead,
One foot in the grave was too close to go.

If you’ve never had that relationship you hate,
Well then, how could you ever relate?

The author followed the poem with this comment and illustration, ” No one who knows me would ever suspect, and none of you know me.  A secret this heavy is too hard to bear alone.”

One Foot in the Grave by JackkyQ

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